A voodoo doll of myself being stuck with pins.
Another cut to open what's just starting to heal.
What is left of trust?
The bricks that were slowly torn down, one by one, are built back up.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
I Know What It's Like
I know what it's like to feel distant.
I know what it's like to not fit in.
I know what it's like to be left out.
I know what it's like to be a wallflower.
I know what it's like to be disconnected.
I know what it's like to be alienated. In my own family.
I know what it's like to be alone.
I know what it's like to be angry. At life, at everything.
I know what it's like to be trapped inside my own thoughts.
I know what it's like to be a stranger in my own mind.
I know what it's like to lose control.
I know what it's like to feel like a failure.
I know the things that are a constant struggle, always lurking in the back of your mind.
It's like barely holding your head above water. Like balancing on the edge of a cliff.
What will push you under? What will tip you over?
What will keep you afloat? What will bring you back from the edge?
It's the ultimate test of strength, of willpower. Watching the rest of the world pass you by while you're grasping for something to hold on to.
I know what it's like.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
One brain can only take so much at once
Dear Blog,
I have not forgotten about you. In fact, I have bee thinking about you quite a bit, for some time now. However, I am taking a promotional belt test to achieve the rank of black belt at my Tae Kwon Do academy in less than two weeks, and I have an essay to write, which takes up what little I have left of my thinking and concentration capacity. Therefore, I am a bit preoccupied. Don't worry, I'll be back soon.
Love, my brain.
I have not forgotten about you. In fact, I have bee thinking about you quite a bit, for some time now. However, I am taking a promotional belt test to achieve the rank of black belt at my Tae Kwon Do academy in less than two weeks, and I have an essay to write, which takes up what little I have left of my thinking and concentration capacity. Therefore, I am a bit preoccupied. Don't worry, I'll be back soon.
Love, my brain.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Hello, 2012
I am not a professional blogger. I'm not even an amateur blogger. I have a regular full time job, and a family. I had big plans to write frequent posts, at least every month. Well, that just isn't happening right now. Life is happening, however. So many things are happening in the world, to my friends, and just the day to day sometimes takes over any side plans.
I also practice martial arts, and am training for a black belt test next month. I try to keep the house from being a complete wreck. I go to school board meetings for my preschooler. I don't have a social life. With all these other things, trying to read about the topics I'm interested in, in order to make informative posts here, and trying to give myself some me-time, well, unfortunately the blog doesn't get written. I fuss and fuss over what I should write about next. I have so many thoughts and ideas. Which one to write about next? Which one is more important to me right now? Which one is more relevant? Maybe it will be this one...a week goes by...oh, this thing came up in the news, maybe I should write about that...another week goes by...oh, that's really relevant to my situation, I should write about that. But then what about the other thing? Sigh...
In any case, I have some things in the works. I have to make myself sit down and focus for a long enough period of time to make a coherent post that feels meaningful. Patience and persistence, or something.
I also practice martial arts, and am training for a black belt test next month. I try to keep the house from being a complete wreck. I go to school board meetings for my preschooler. I don't have a social life. With all these other things, trying to read about the topics I'm interested in, in order to make informative posts here, and trying to give myself some me-time, well, unfortunately the blog doesn't get written. I fuss and fuss over what I should write about next. I have so many thoughts and ideas. Which one to write about next? Which one is more important to me right now? Which one is more relevant? Maybe it will be this one...a week goes by...oh, this thing came up in the news, maybe I should write about that...another week goes by...oh, that's really relevant to my situation, I should write about that. But then what about the other thing? Sigh...
In any case, I have some things in the works. I have to make myself sit down and focus for a long enough period of time to make a coherent post that feels meaningful. Patience and persistence, or something.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Think what you eat
What you eat is all in your head.
(I actually started this post a month ago, and was going to post it shortly after my last post. Life happens. Then I had tacos again this weekend.)
Tonight I had beef for the first time in nearly 6 months on my "crazy diet." I also had cheese and corn taco shells, more no-nos. But I really wanted tacos for dinner and that's what the hubby was making.
As I ate I started wondering if eating beef after nearly 6 months of not eating beef would mess with my body. Would I break out in hives? Would I get headaches? Would I get severe stomach aches and start hurling? What about the corn and cheese combined with it? Would my body go into shock? I kept eating. Maybe the wine I was drinking along with the tacos would negate any ill effects. The questions were enough to make me pause for a few moments. But I was starving. I finished the 3 tacos on my plate, and was still hungry. Should I have another? I had tried to not put a lot of meat in them, and I usually ate about 5 or 6 when we would have tacos. The uncertainty was making me nervous. I waited a little while. There was one shell still in the oven. Okay, one more taco. I'm sure I will be fine. Have some more wine.
I started feeling...anxious. Guilty. Why? It's just food. After telling myself for so long, no red meat (nevermind those bacon cheating days recently). And knowing that beef is one of the least healthy things for you, so far as meat goes. And this was store brand ground beef from the local regular grocery store...not exactly meeting my new criteria for better quality food. Is something going to happen to me? Am I going to get sick from this? Why am I so worried? I had it so engraved in my head that I wasn't supposed to be eating beef that I had to second guess myself when I ate it. Thinking about how it might really not be good for me, or might actually be doing me harm, almost made me not want to eat it.
Then I wonder: how does this kind of thinking affect how we make decisions about what to eat? Or maybe, how does NOT thinking this way affect how or what we eat? From all the things I've learned so far about ingredients, there are definitely some things that have turned me off of certain foods. There are foods I will not eat, some ingredients I will not consume, or consume with great hesitation, or strongly question and look for an alternative if possible. Some things I think, well, it's just a tiny amount, it's not going to hurt. Or, it's just this once, just this occasion, it's okay. But how many times do dieters tell themselves these things, and "just this once" becomes a daily ritual? How easy it is to fool ourselves, to make excuses for what we eat. Monday is, ugh it's Monday, I'm so not in the mood to go back to work, but I need breakfast so I have to get fast food. Just today. Tuesday is, well I'm running late and I need breakfast. Fast food just today. Wednesday is, well I was going to eat my oatmeal but since someone brought in donuts, I guess I'll eat those instead. After all, it's free! On Thursday the week is almost over, so why make any effort now? I'll just get some fast food again. Friday is, hooray, it's Friday! Time for TGIF fast food breakfast!
Sound familiar to anyone?
Who else has made efforts to change something in your diet? What steps have you taken to make it work for you? What are you telling yourself to get through the changes?
EDIT: My challenge to you is the next time you go to pick up a food item at the store, turn it around and read the ingredients list. Just read it.
(I actually started this post a month ago, and was going to post it shortly after my last post. Life happens. Then I had tacos again this weekend.)
Tonight I had beef for the first time in nearly 6 months on my "crazy diet." I also had cheese and corn taco shells, more no-nos. But I really wanted tacos for dinner and that's what the hubby was making.
As I ate I started wondering if eating beef after nearly 6 months of not eating beef would mess with my body. Would I break out in hives? Would I get headaches? Would I get severe stomach aches and start hurling? What about the corn and cheese combined with it? Would my body go into shock? I kept eating. Maybe the wine I was drinking along with the tacos would negate any ill effects. The questions were enough to make me pause for a few moments. But I was starving. I finished the 3 tacos on my plate, and was still hungry. Should I have another? I had tried to not put a lot of meat in them, and I usually ate about 5 or 6 when we would have tacos. The uncertainty was making me nervous. I waited a little while. There was one shell still in the oven. Okay, one more taco. I'm sure I will be fine. Have some more wine.
I started feeling...anxious. Guilty. Why? It's just food. After telling myself for so long, no red meat (nevermind those bacon cheating days recently). And knowing that beef is one of the least healthy things for you, so far as meat goes. And this was store brand ground beef from the local regular grocery store...not exactly meeting my new criteria for better quality food. Is something going to happen to me? Am I going to get sick from this? Why am I so worried? I had it so engraved in my head that I wasn't supposed to be eating beef that I had to second guess myself when I ate it. Thinking about how it might really not be good for me, or might actually be doing me harm, almost made me not want to eat it.
Then I wonder: how does this kind of thinking affect how we make decisions about what to eat? Or maybe, how does NOT thinking this way affect how or what we eat? From all the things I've learned so far about ingredients, there are definitely some things that have turned me off of certain foods. There are foods I will not eat, some ingredients I will not consume, or consume with great hesitation, or strongly question and look for an alternative if possible. Some things I think, well, it's just a tiny amount, it's not going to hurt. Or, it's just this once, just this occasion, it's okay. But how many times do dieters tell themselves these things, and "just this once" becomes a daily ritual? How easy it is to fool ourselves, to make excuses for what we eat. Monday is, ugh it's Monday, I'm so not in the mood to go back to work, but I need breakfast so I have to get fast food. Just today. Tuesday is, well I'm running late and I need breakfast. Fast food just today. Wednesday is, well I was going to eat my oatmeal but since someone brought in donuts, I guess I'll eat those instead. After all, it's free! On Thursday the week is almost over, so why make any effort now? I'll just get some fast food again. Friday is, hooray, it's Friday! Time for TGIF fast food breakfast!
Sound familiar to anyone?
Who else has made efforts to change something in your diet? What steps have you taken to make it work for you? What are you telling yourself to get through the changes?
EDIT: My challenge to you is the next time you go to pick up a food item at the store, turn it around and read the ingredients list. Just read it.
My Crazy Diet
I have had many people coming up to me recently and commenting on how
great I'm looking. For that, I sincerely thank you. Then they
ask, what am I doing? What is my secret? For fear of sounding like an
infomercial, I say it's my crazy diet. When I try to explain my diet to
them, I usually get some combination of looks of horror, shock and awe.
For those that don't know by now, I had gained quite a bit of weight after having my son 3-1/2 years ago. Those that have known me know I was in pretty decent shape prior to my pregnancy. The pregnancy itself went fine. I continued to practice tae kwon do up until a couple of weeks before I was due. I gained a little more than I should have at the end, but overall not bad. I had about 15-20 lbs to lose afterwards to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. I figured I would need to work at it, but I should be able to lose most and hopefully all of it.
This is where it gets complicated.
I have a condition called hypothyroidism. I later learned it is actually Hashimoto's hypothyroidism, which is an auto-immune condition.
After I had my son, I was also suffering from extended post-partum depression.
I am going to talk about the thyroid and related issues, but I am not sure now is the time to go into detail.
After a year of being perpetually tired and depressed, I knew something was not right with me. I could cry on demand. I was exercising regularly and eating decently, but I was GAINING weight. I went to my doctor. I had my thyroid retested. The test came back "normal." Around the same time, I was on a thyroid support group on a website I had joined to help keep track of my diet and exercise. I learned that hypothyroidism is one of the most commonly underdiagnosed, misdiagnosed and undertreated conditions. I was hearing from others with similar conditions, who have tested "normal" and still do not feel well, that there are these other factors possibly at play. I asked my doctor if it could be one of these other things. No, she said, without even blinking. So I began to look for a new doctor.
Around this same time, I severely injured my foot and ankle while practicing tae kwon do. I spent 2 months on crutches, unable to put any weight on that foot. Then I was in physical therapy for about 3 months, and recovery was very, very slow.
Needless to say, I had gained some weight. Add on to that the hypothyroid condition and endless depression, along with poor eating habits. Last fall I joined a gym and began to see a personal trainer. It was rough, but I slowly began to see progress. It took a couple of months but I finally lost 10 pounds. Then I could no longer afford the trainer, and eventually canceled the membership altogether.
After seeing a couple of different doctors, I got one that really knew what she was doing. I had already had some food sensitivities tested for from the previous doctor. This one also tested me for hormone imbalances, and had me seeing her in-office nutritionist. Along with several potential food allergies, I had significant hormone imbalances, severely high cholesterol (which I knew already; I had known that since college, actually, even when I was skinny and before I knew about the thyroid problem) and my thyroid levels were not where they should be. She began to adjust my medications and together with the nutritionist, added to the list of supplements I was taking.
I had already tried the gluten and dairy free diet for a month sometime back, but noticed no change. The nutritionist put me on a very strict diet: the list of food allergies, along with what she called the "Anti-Inflammatory Diet." This strict diet was, over time, supposed to help with the myriad of symptoms I was having, the fatigue, sinus issues, the hormone imbalances, and any predisposition to low glucose tolerance (pre-diabetes). The theory behind an anti-inflammatory diet is that certain foods can cause or contribute to inflammation in the body; this can be exhibited in many ways, such as sinus problems, arthritis, joint pain, fatigue, headaches, digestive issues, etc. Some foods have a higher or lower score than others. Other diets, you are supposed to limit those foods and keep within a certain range. This diet, I had to eliminate EVERYTHING.
Here is the list of things that were showing as food sensitivities from lab testing:
Wheat
Dairy (cow's milk)
Soy
Corn
Eggs
In addition to not being able to eat the above foods, here is a list of things I was forbidden from eating on this diet:
Red meat, peanuts, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, citrus fruits, juices, dried fruits, potatoes, tomatoes, any animal milks or cheeses...I think that's it but there might be one or two more things.
Imagine tired, depressed, already irritable and hormonal mom being forbidden from having any of the above items. It was June, the beginning of summer. No margaritas, no frappuccinos. I was not a happy camper. The first month was extremely difficult. I cheated a bit on the caffeine at first, doing half-caf for a while, then straight decaf, trying to struggle through the tiredness. But I made it through the first month. The second month I began with a better attitude; this sucks, but I can do this. The 4th of July came and I decided since the family was celebrating at my house, that I deserved a cheat-treat. I had lost 10 lbs in that first month. I ate s'mores and ice cream. Thus began the month of weekly cheating...I cheated on that diet more than I care to admit, and may have set myself back a bit. Cheating on this diet is not like cheating on a calorie or fat counting diet. Food allergies or inflammation are not gone from your body the next few hours or the next day or two. Those effects are cumulative. You can't go to the gym and work them off.
That month I like to say I did my best, but I cheated probably about every week on that diet. Pizza, wine, coffee...birthday cake. However, I lost another 10 pounds in that month. The beginning of August came, the third month of my diet. I had lost 25 pounds overall. I was absolutely thrilled. And I was feeling better on top of it. Who knew that drastically changing your diet could have all these effects? Well, the combination of medication adjustments for my thyroid and hormone imbalances, and the diet. Very, very slowly, we have begun to add things back into my diet. I am now eating tomatoes, potatoes, goat cheese, eggs, and some caffeine (okay...I never really quit that one completely) and wine (...that one either...sshhhh....).
I have been on this diet nearly 6 months, and I am pretty used to it. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I haven't really lost any more weight since then, maybe another 5 pounds, but now I'm at the point where I will need to work at losing the weight. There are times when it becomes frustrating, because I can't just go out anywhere and grab something to eat. I basically can't eat out anywhere. But, some things, they just don't bother me anymore. We continue to monitor my thyroid levels and are still adjusting my medication. Aside from being "forced" to go on this diet, it has changed my thinking on food. I did not go on this diet very willingly; nor did I do it just to lose weight. Of course it was a welcome side effect, but not the main goal. The goal of this diet was to get me healthy again. In just a couple of months on this diet, my cholesterol dropped at least 50 points. When you change your thinking about food, you will change your habits and can become aware of what you are really eating. It's your health; it's worth it.
For those that don't know by now, I had gained quite a bit of weight after having my son 3-1/2 years ago. Those that have known me know I was in pretty decent shape prior to my pregnancy. The pregnancy itself went fine. I continued to practice tae kwon do up until a couple of weeks before I was due. I gained a little more than I should have at the end, but overall not bad. I had about 15-20 lbs to lose afterwards to get back to pre-pregnancy weight. I figured I would need to work at it, but I should be able to lose most and hopefully all of it.
This is where it gets complicated.
I have a condition called hypothyroidism. I later learned it is actually Hashimoto's hypothyroidism, which is an auto-immune condition.
After I had my son, I was also suffering from extended post-partum depression.
I am going to talk about the thyroid and related issues, but I am not sure now is the time to go into detail.
After a year of being perpetually tired and depressed, I knew something was not right with me. I could cry on demand. I was exercising regularly and eating decently, but I was GAINING weight. I went to my doctor. I had my thyroid retested. The test came back "normal." Around the same time, I was on a thyroid support group on a website I had joined to help keep track of my diet and exercise. I learned that hypothyroidism is one of the most commonly underdiagnosed, misdiagnosed and undertreated conditions. I was hearing from others with similar conditions, who have tested "normal" and still do not feel well, that there are these other factors possibly at play. I asked my doctor if it could be one of these other things. No, she said, without even blinking. So I began to look for a new doctor.
Around this same time, I severely injured my foot and ankle while practicing tae kwon do. I spent 2 months on crutches, unable to put any weight on that foot. Then I was in physical therapy for about 3 months, and recovery was very, very slow.
Needless to say, I had gained some weight. Add on to that the hypothyroid condition and endless depression, along with poor eating habits. Last fall I joined a gym and began to see a personal trainer. It was rough, but I slowly began to see progress. It took a couple of months but I finally lost 10 pounds. Then I could no longer afford the trainer, and eventually canceled the membership altogether.
After seeing a couple of different doctors, I got one that really knew what she was doing. I had already had some food sensitivities tested for from the previous doctor. This one also tested me for hormone imbalances, and had me seeing her in-office nutritionist. Along with several potential food allergies, I had significant hormone imbalances, severely high cholesterol (which I knew already; I had known that since college, actually, even when I was skinny and before I knew about the thyroid problem) and my thyroid levels were not where they should be. She began to adjust my medications and together with the nutritionist, added to the list of supplements I was taking.
I had already tried the gluten and dairy free diet for a month sometime back, but noticed no change. The nutritionist put me on a very strict diet: the list of food allergies, along with what she called the "Anti-Inflammatory Diet." This strict diet was, over time, supposed to help with the myriad of symptoms I was having, the fatigue, sinus issues, the hormone imbalances, and any predisposition to low glucose tolerance (pre-diabetes). The theory behind an anti-inflammatory diet is that certain foods can cause or contribute to inflammation in the body; this can be exhibited in many ways, such as sinus problems, arthritis, joint pain, fatigue, headaches, digestive issues, etc. Some foods have a higher or lower score than others. Other diets, you are supposed to limit those foods and keep within a certain range. This diet, I had to eliminate EVERYTHING.
Here is the list of things that were showing as food sensitivities from lab testing:
Wheat
Dairy (cow's milk)
Soy
Corn
Eggs
In addition to not being able to eat the above foods, here is a list of things I was forbidden from eating on this diet:
Red meat, peanuts, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, citrus fruits, juices, dried fruits, potatoes, tomatoes, any animal milks or cheeses...I think that's it but there might be one or two more things.
Imagine tired, depressed, already irritable and hormonal mom being forbidden from having any of the above items. It was June, the beginning of summer. No margaritas, no frappuccinos. I was not a happy camper. The first month was extremely difficult. I cheated a bit on the caffeine at first, doing half-caf for a while, then straight decaf, trying to struggle through the tiredness. But I made it through the first month. The second month I began with a better attitude; this sucks, but I can do this. The 4th of July came and I decided since the family was celebrating at my house, that I deserved a cheat-treat. I had lost 10 lbs in that first month. I ate s'mores and ice cream. Thus began the month of weekly cheating...I cheated on that diet more than I care to admit, and may have set myself back a bit. Cheating on this diet is not like cheating on a calorie or fat counting diet. Food allergies or inflammation are not gone from your body the next few hours or the next day or two. Those effects are cumulative. You can't go to the gym and work them off.
That month I like to say I did my best, but I cheated probably about every week on that diet. Pizza, wine, coffee...birthday cake. However, I lost another 10 pounds in that month. The beginning of August came, the third month of my diet. I had lost 25 pounds overall. I was absolutely thrilled. And I was feeling better on top of it. Who knew that drastically changing your diet could have all these effects? Well, the combination of medication adjustments for my thyroid and hormone imbalances, and the diet. Very, very slowly, we have begun to add things back into my diet. I am now eating tomatoes, potatoes, goat cheese, eggs, and some caffeine (okay...I never really quit that one completely) and wine (...that one either...sshhhh....).
I have been on this diet nearly 6 months, and I am pretty used to it. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. I haven't really lost any more weight since then, maybe another 5 pounds, but now I'm at the point where I will need to work at losing the weight. There are times when it becomes frustrating, because I can't just go out anywhere and grab something to eat. I basically can't eat out anywhere. But, some things, they just don't bother me anymore. We continue to monitor my thyroid levels and are still adjusting my medication. Aside from being "forced" to go on this diet, it has changed my thinking on food. I did not go on this diet very willingly; nor did I do it just to lose weight. Of course it was a welcome side effect, but not the main goal. The goal of this diet was to get me healthy again. In just a couple of months on this diet, my cholesterol dropped at least 50 points. When you change your thinking about food, you will change your habits and can become aware of what you are really eating. It's your health; it's worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)